Alberto V05 Conditioning Hairdressing. To polish furniture, squeeze a
dollop of Alberto V05 Conditioning Hair dressing on a soft, clean cloth, rub
the furniture gently, and buff well.
Armor All. To revitalize varnished furniture, pump some Armor All on
a soft, clean cloth and polish the furniture.
Bounce. Polish your furniture with a clean, used sheet of Bounce
fabric softener for a beautiful shine.
Colgate Regular Flavor Toothpaste. To remove excess polish from
furniture, squeeze some Colgate Regular Flavor Tooth paste on a damp, clean,
soft cloth and wipe down the furniture. A mild abrasive, toothpaste gently
but effectively removes the layer of built-up furniture polish.
Coppertone. To polish furniture, squeeze a dollop of Coppertone
sunscreen onto a soft cloth and polish the natural wood. The emollients in
the sunscreen shine the wood.
Kingsford’s Corn Starch. After polishing furniture, sprinkle on a
little Kingsford’s Corn Starch and rub wood with a soft cloth. The
cornstarch absorbs any excess furniture polish.
L’eggs Sheer Energy Panty Hose. Nylon is a mild abrasive that does an
excellent job polishing furniture without scratching the surface. Simply
ball-up a pair of clean, used L’eggs Sheer Energy Panty Hose and use them to
polish the furniture. (To make the housecleaning more exciting, wear the
panty hose and roll around on the furniture.)
Lipton Tea Bags. Brew a cup of strong tea with one Lipton Tea Bag,
let the tea cool down, and use a soft, clean cloth dampened in the tea to
polish wooden furniture.
Nestea. Make a glass of Nestea according to the directions on the
label, without adding any ice. Dampen a cloth with the tea and polish
varnished wooden furniture. The tea makes an excellent cleaning agent for
Parsons’ Ammonia. To revitalize stained furniture, dampen a soft,
clean cloth with full-strength Parsons’ Ammonia and, wearing rubber gloves,
rub down the furniture outside or in a well-ventilated room.
Skin So Soft Body Lotion. Use a drop of Skin So Soft Body Lotion as
furniture polish and buff with a soft, clean cloth.
SPAM. In 1994, the New York Times Sunday Magazine first reported that
SPAM can be used to polish furniture. The first person to discover this was
probably eating SPAM at the dining room table, made a mess, and when he
wiped it up realized the SPAM was polishing the furniture. Suppose you’ve
got company coming over, the furniture desperately needs polishing, you
don’t have any Lemon Pledge, and you’ve just had some SPAM for lunch. Well,
don’t throw out the leftover luncheon meat. Rub it into your wooden
furniture and buff with a balled-up pair of L’eggs Sheer Energy Panty Hose.
The animal oils in SPAM give wood a nice lustre. Oddly, the furniture won’t
smell. The side benefit? Pets will love it. They’ll keep licking that coffee
table so it stays shiny.
Star Olive Oil and ReaLemon. To make your own furniture polish, mix
two parts Star Olive Oil and one part ReaLemon lemon juice in a
Turtle Wax. A coat of Turtle Wax rejuvenates dulled plastic tabletops
and Formica countertops.
WD-40. In a pinch, you can spray WD-40 on a soft, clean cloth and use
the petroleum distillate to polish furniture. WD-40 contains similar
ingredients found in furniture polish, but it leaves behind a more
Wesson Corn Oil and Heinz White Vinegar. To make your own furniture
polish, mix two-thirds cup Wesson Corn Oil and one-third cup Heinz White
Vinegar in a trigger-spray bottle.