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To many people, praise
seems like a wonderful tool to use with children. Praise helps them
feel good about themselves and motivates them to do what pleases
their parents. Yet too much praise, even when delivered with the
best of intentions, can have a negative impact.
A young child has strong inner drives to accomplish things for
herself and to succeed at many tasks. She’s excited about learning,
motivated to try new things, and eager to imitate adults. Parents
can tell how proud their child is when she says, “Look, I got my
shirt on by myself” or, “I know how to count to ten.” Her reward for
these achievements is her own sense of accomplishment.
When parents offer moderate praise for these achievements and
reflect their child’s own excitement (“I can see how happy you
are.”) the child knows that her parents are pleased. But when
parents offer excessive praise (“Great job!” “I’m so proud of
you!”), especially for everyday aspects of life such as toilet use
or eating, the child may begin to expect such praise for everything
she does. Eventually she may try to achieve not for internal
satisfaction, but for the reward of praise, and her feelings of
accomplishment may become of secondary importance. She may think,
“I’ll tie my shoe because Mom will think it’s great.”
A child who is praised for every achievement may begin to distrust
the praise and her own abilities. Is everything she does really that
good? Or is anything she does really well at all? She may become
dependent on praise and may not believe she has done something
worthwhile unless she hears lavish compliments. Excessive praise can
put pressure on her, too. When she’s praised so heavily for doing
well, she may feel she has to continue achieving or she will lose
the praise and attention. Many parents will understand these
negative effects if they consider how dependent they, as adults, are
on external praise and rewards.
It is fine to praise your child, and you certainly want to let her
know that you feel good about her. But give praise in moderation and
try to encourage her to feel good about her own abilities. Focus on
her desire to do things for herself, and praise her by speaking more
about her feelings than your own: “You really felt good about
climbing that jungle gym, didn’t you?” By responding that way, you
recognize her pride in her success. You also can praise her
effectively in nonverbal ways. A hug, a smile, a look of approval
all communicates your good feelings about her. |
