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Parents are far too
accepting of sibling rivalry; many excuse it: “That’s just how kids
are. All brothers and sisters fight.” Many stop trying to deal with
it because they don’t know what to do. They hear the endless
bickering, whining, and arguing, and just give up, only interfering
when one child gets physically hurt. Yet, parents are not helpless.
There are steps they can take to eliminate most of the day-to-day
struggles between siblings.
The key is getting involved. Parents shouldn’t ignore their
children’s rivalry. When kids sense that a parent won’t step in,
they often escalate their battles. One boy, who was rarely
reprimanded for the way he treated his sister, continually picked on
her as a way of releasing his frustrations. Some people believe that
paying attention to sib ling rivalry only encourages it because kids
argue in order to get attention. However, kids generally put their
efforts into seeking positive, rather than negative attention.
The real root of sibling rivalry is a child’s angry belief that he
isn’t being treated fairly, that his sibling is enjoying more
parental affection or privileges. He directs his anger toward his
sibling rather than his parents because he needs his parents for
love and care. He doesn’t want to risk losing their approval. It’s
much safer to attack a brother or sister.
A child will feel unfairly treated if his parents say, “Your sister
is older so she gets to stay up later.” During this sensitive period
from six to nine years, a child can easily feel inferior and
insecure if his parents say, “You need to practice more than your
brother does,” or, “I wish you could handle things as well as Jake.”
The child being praised will feel entitled to gloat and may even
repeat his parents’ words, “You never do anything right.” The one
being put down will resent his sibling.
This presents a dilemma for parents who believe older children
should have more privileges. One mother thought her nine-year-old
should stay up later than her seven-year-old. This caused great
conflicts. The older child teased the younger, and the younger
yelled, “You think you’re so great!” and complained constantly, “Why
does she get to stay up later and I don’t?” Eventually, the
seven-year-old fussed so long at bedtime that he was awake as long
as his sister anyway.
If an older child is treated as bigger and better as a younger sib
ling, the younger will fight for the privileges his sibling enjoys.
He’ll feel helpless, unequal, and powerless to change what he sees
as an unfair situation, and he’ll take those feelings out on his
sibling.
Many parents can remember their own feelings of resentment toward a
brother or sister, yet they continue to treat children as they had
once hated being treated. A better alternative to granting
privileges by age is to treat kids equally, and make allowances for
differences in size, maturity, and physical development. While
siblings four or more years apart usually go to bed at different
times, those closer in age can be sent to bed at the same time. If
one needs less sleep, he can read or play in his room before falling
asleep. No matter how parents arrange bedtime, they should treat the
issue matter-of factly so their younger child doesn’t feel angry.
It’s not just younger children who feel unfairly treated. Older
children often resent being made overly responsible for their
younger sib lings: “Take him outside with you when you go to play.”
“Let Chris stay in your room while I make dinner.” “Walk Josie to
her friend’s house.” Older children may also get more than their
share of the blame.” You should know better, you’re older.” “It’s
your fault. You’re supposed to be the responsible one.” An older
child hearing such words feels angry while a younger child feels
that his parents will come to his defense. The older child’s anger
results in increased sibling rivalry.
Sibling rivalry may escalate or develop if a new baby is born. A
former “only child” will face the shock of sharing his parents for
the first time. A pair of siblings will find their positions in the
family altered by the baby’s arrival. The middle child, in
particular, may feel left out.
Parents can ease their older children’s adjustment by giving them
extra attention and acknowledging their feelings: “It’s hard getting
used to a new baby, isn’t it?”
Whenever you face sibling rivalry in your family, you should talk to
your children, clearly stating your expectations. Let them know what
the limits are and discuss ways they can control their fighting:
“When you think things are unfair, tell your brother.” “Let Joanne
know you’re mad without teasing her or hitting.” “If you’re mad
enough to push the baby, come tell me and we’ll work it out
together.” “Sometimes you have to include your sister when you
play.” If you don’t set limits on rivalry, your children will
believe you accept their negative behavior.
If you catch them in the middle of an argument, make them sit down
and discuss the situation with each other or with you. If necessary,
act as a mediator and listen to each child’s side, even if that
means putting up with, “You played with it longer!” “No, I had it
first!”
After you’ve listened, ask them to come up with a solution, offer
one yourself, or direct them toward another activity.
Sometimes they will have trouble talking about their fights. They
know they’re angry but they don’t know why, or they’re uncomfortable
sharing their feelings. Suggest possible reasons for your child’s
dissatisfaction: “Maybe you think Nicole got a better toy than you
did.” “You might be mad because Corey got to watch more TV”
Let your children know that if they persist in arguing, there will
be consequences. You already know what will work best: taking away
(or threatening to take away) privileges, sending your child to his
room, warning about an earlier bedtime. Make sure the consequences
for misbehavior are appropriate and not too harsh, or you will just
stir up more resentment. Instead of thinking, “I’ll try harder to be
good,” your child may be so angry at his punishment that he’ll
think, “I’m really going to get my brother for this one!”
You may have success by offering your children rewards for getting
along. Give the rewards often and be prepared to monitor your
children closely. While you might see improved behavior, you also
might see an increase in tattling or threats: “Ooh, I’m telling on
you and you won’t get a treat from Mom.” You might also find that
the novelty wears off and the rewards gradually become less
effective.
Above all, to eliminate rivalry, treat your children fairly. There
may be truth to their complaints. If you tend to reward one child
and blame the other, reevaluate your attitudes. When you’re fair and
generous with your praise—”Thank you for sharing with your sister.”
“I’m glad you let Billy play with you.”—your children will feel
better about themselves and be less likely to argue.
Of course, you can never stop all the bickering. “Shut up!”
“Stupid!” and “I hate you!” are standard sibling exchanges. They’re
upsetting, but they’re the quick, angry expressions of a sibling
relationship. Friends rarely relate in the disagreeable terms that
brothers and sisters do. If the bickering is brief, infrequent, and
quickly resolved, just accept it. But whenever sibling rivalry moves
beyond a few words spoken in haste, step in, set limits, and help
your children resolve their differences. |
