|
Many parents worry when
their children, usually between the ages of three and five, create
imaginary friends. Parents wonder, “Why does he need one? Can’t he
tell the difference between a real person and a pretend one?” And
while they are sometimes amused by their child’s concerns (“Watch
out! You’ll sit on Herman!”), they’re more often frustrated.
Yet, an imaginary friend is an important and creative part of
growing up for many children. The friend helps a child deal with
emotions and problems that he might otherwise not be able to handle.
For example, he might invent a companion as a way of relieving
loneliness when he moves to a new home, leaving his real friends
behind. Or the imaginary friend might help him deal with a new baby
in the family, the start of day care or nursery school, or tension
at home. Sometimes he creates an imaginary animal, such as a dog, to
help overcome a fear of real dogs or because he wishes to have a
dog.
If a child feels overly controlled or unaccepted by his parents, he
may invent a companion who’s very accepting and who always likes
him. He may even become a demanding “parent” to his friend, whom he
imagines to be a powerless child: “Herman that was very bad. You
shouldn’t have done that.”
Sometimes a child will use an imaginary companion to relieve himself
of guilt. Since a child who’s done something wrong fears discipline
and the loss of his parents’ love, he may deny his misbehavior even
when he’s been caught. If he greatly fears rejection, he may blame
his imaginary friend for his own misdeeds. That way he will not have
to deal with criticism, responsibility, or bad feelings about
himself:
“Herman took the papers off your desk,” or, “Herman made me do it.”
In such a situation, parents can say, “I can’t allow you or Herman
to play with my papers,” or, “You messed up the papers on my desk
and I want you to help me clean them up.”
If your child has an imaginary friend, you may wonder what to do
about it. Should you set an extra place at the table, as your child
requests, or will your acceptance of the companion just prolong the
fantasy? Compromise is the best solution. It’s certainly all right
to go along with some of your child’s requests for his imaginary
friend. And as long as you are patient with your child, it’s also
all right to set limits: “You may talk about your friend, but we’re
not going to change our routine for him right now.” If you’re
worried because your child believes in an imaginary character, keep
in mind that we encourage children to believe in the Tooth Fairy
Santa Claus, and other pretend characters. The main difference
between these and your child’s friend is that the friend is your
child’s own creation.
If you think your child is involved in fantasy because he feels
powerless, consider the amount of freedom you allow him. You may
want to give him more opportunities to express his feelings and to
explore. And if your child seems lonely because of a recent move or
the lack of nearby playmates, help him to find real friends who can
eventually take the place of the imaginary one.
As your child grows, he will give up his pretend companion,
gradually taking on the qualities and responsibilities he assigned
to his friend. In time, he and you will look back on this short
phase as simply an interesting part of growing up. |
